Hyrule Harem: A Link Between Girls
by Yakuzaman5
Summary: The War between the Knights of Hyrule and the Forces of Darkness is escalating by the day. Millions are dying because Cia is not interested in sharing.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N_

 _I removed the original story initially due to personal reasons._

 _But that reason has been dealt with, and now I feel comfortable in sharing this with you again. Enjoy._

 _Harem Warriors_

Lana wasn't exactly sure what to make of the pickle they had found themselves in, if she were to be completely honest.

"Could anyone please, please, please tell me what this conflict is all about... again?" She pleaded to her Queen, the ever regal Zelda.

Zelda seemed rather taken aback at being addressed in such a way, but almost immediately complied. "As you know, the evil witch Cia has brought forth many fierce monsters and warriors throughout time to fight for her cause. As Warriors of Hyrule, it is our duty to..."

"I know THAT." Lana said impatiently. She flipped her hair irritably over she shoulder. "But what's her reason?"

"Her..." The queen bit her lip. "Reason?"

"Yeah!" Lana nodded, clearly enthusiastic as she could be. "Cause, justification, motive... Take her pick?"

"I- I don't understand." Zelda said. She looked down at the ground.

"Why?" She said bluntly. "Why is she attacking our homes, killing our families, and forcing us all to take up arms against her?"

Zelda's mind was whirling. "Um. Yeah. This is strictly on a need to know basis, and you don't need to know-"

Lana huffed. "Fine. You win." Getting to her feet, she glared down at her. "But I'm not going to let this rest, you hear me?"

Zelda gave a soft, annoyed sigh. "I understand." She said dully. "But I..." She bit her lip. "Cannot tell you."

"You're unbelievable." Lana scoffed. "What kind of Princess..." She stopped, corrected herself, and began to plow ahead. "QUEEN would refuse to inform her subjects of such vital information?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Zelda snapped. "I... I want to tell you..." She looked somewhat troubled.

"Then spill it!" Lana demanded.

She looked down. "I... need some time alone." She dashed off.

Lana looked on after her, her natural curiousity almost overtaking her anger. She had seemed genuinely upset at not being able to explain herself... that, coupled with the turbelent nature of the situation they had found themselves in, led to her feeling a sense of dread, deep within her stomach.

Zelda was her Princess.. (Queen now, she reminded herself sharply) and if something was bothering her enough to harm the war effort... why, it was her duty as a soldier to try and make things right.

It was decided then! She will do whatever it takes to uncover the truth, make the Princess happy, and maybe even save the Kingdom!

...

And of course, that meant nothing more than following Zelda around everywhere she went.

Military leaders spent an awful lot of time in their tents, she thought irritably, as she ducked beneath a tree. Zelda had only left her tent twice since they had made camp here...all the business of the army seemed to be brought to her. She only left early in the mornings, to practice with her weapons.

Yet today was different.

She noted a nearby squirrel, and in an attempt to appear more stealthily, she began to imitate it, crawling along the leaves.

She pressed her head into the ground when Zelda looked over her shoulder, but she seemed to not feel as if anything were wrong. She even began to whistle softly, a nice little melody.

She didn't suspect a thing, Lana thought, almost giddily, as she raised her head... only to slammed back into the ground.

"What..." A rough, tough, and distintly unwelcome voice growled out at her. "Do you think you're doing?"

She tried to speak, but couldn't even bring her head upward, due to the pressure being exerted onto her head.

The pressure alleivated. She rolled out onto her back, gasping for air, as she tried to scowl up a t her attacker. "What was that for?"

The Sheikan warrior stared down at her, her red eyes unblinking. "What were you doing?" She repeated.

"I was..." She hesitated. "Looking for nuts! Yeah..." She got onto her knees and began ferreting around in the undergrowth. "Rations are really getting to me, and my grandmother taught me this really good recipe you take a whole bunch of nuts and stick them in a pot..."

Impa did not crack a smile. "You were following the Queen." She said. It wasn't a question.

"I was not!" Lana said, trying to keep her voice from cracking. "I have better things to do..."

Impa drew her sword. Lana quickly shut her mouth.

"Better things to do, hmmm...?" Impa asked, as she lowered the blade, running it across Lana's cheek. "I somehow doubt that, considering how you've been following the Queen for the past two days."

Lana flinched. She almost felt like she would burst into tears.

"I don't want you going near her again." Impa said, speaking slowly, yet clearly.

"Yes..." Lana said, glumly.

"And as punishment..." Impa gave a thoughtful expression. "You can help train the new recruits. They need all the experience they can get against magic users."

"What?" Lana blinked. "No! That's far below my station... I can't risk getting hurt in a training accident! You need me to combat..."

"You will need all the training you can get, if you wish to take on the Dark Forces." She said. The conversation was over.

Lana glumly got up and walked away, her shoulders sagging.

No one wanted to deal with any of the new recruits. All of them were lazy, drafted bums from the sticks, who did not know the first thing about honor and would abandon them all at the first oppurtunity.

Surely nothing good could come of this.

...

She had almost thought she had walked onto the wrong field. It was completely empty. But no... this was the place.

But there was only one man here. She scowled. Even when it came to simple things like training, these people would not bother to show up punctually...

"Hey!" She shouted over to the man. "Where are the rest of your..."

He looked over at her, and she found herself gasping. Because there, sitting on his hat... was... a FAIRY.

"Oh, how cute!" She chirped, as she flounced over to him. Yanking the hat off of his head, she peered intently on the, admittedly rather startled, fairy.

"Hey!" She snapped. Leaping up, she bopped Lana on the nose, with surprising strength for a fairy. She gasped... her arm, rather like a bee sting, penetrating her very skin... and, apparently, that was enough to give her a nosebleed.

"Ah!" She shrieked, as she pulled away. Covering her nose with her hands, she tried to hold back her tears as she glared at the fairy. The fairy, clearly unsympathetic, gave her one last glare before flying off.

She almost chased after it in order to crush it with her book, but she was surprised to see that the soldier had taken her hand.

"Hey..." She said, her voice low and soft. "What are you..."

She gave a surprised gasp as he pulled her closer. She looked up at him, her eyes wide, as he took his scarf with his hand. Reaching out, he gently rubbed the cloth over her nose, cleaning off all the blood.

"Um." She said. She pulled away slightly as she touched her nose with her finger, making sure that she was presentable. "Thanks."

He still didn't speak. He seemed to be a bit pre-occupied with his scarf.

"It's not that dirty, is it?" She asked, slightly concerned. "I really am sorry."

"It's not your fault." He said. She almost found her swooning at the sound of his voice. He was just so... SUAVE.

He did not notice her expression, however, as he was still examining the scarf. "I'm used to getting blood on it anyway." He threw the scarf over his shoulder, and it began to blow in the wind. Lana could not bring herself to stop staring.

"Aren't you going to clean it off?" She suggested.

"Nah." He said. "I'm supposed to be trained by one of Zelda's personal sorceress's today. I can't just blow her off..."

"Oh, but that's me!" Lana said, her mood brightening.

"You?" He asked. He seemed genuinely taken aback. "Oh, I'm so sorry... please forgive me, My Lady."

She giggled at his change of expression. Giving a small curtesy, she looked up at him, a playful grin on her face. "That's Lady Lana to you, recruit." She said.

They stared each other down. Then they begin to laugh.

"I'll be sure to show my respects properly next time, my Lady Lana." He said. "I am only a humble recruit, please forgive me for my lack of manners." He gave another short laugh.

"Hm." She cupped her face in her hands as she looked him over. "Normally, I would overlook such a slight. However, your fairy did give me a nosebleed."

They stared at each other. And laughed again.

"But seriously," She said, as she took his hand again. "It's just Lana, okay?"

"Lana." He echoed. "What a lovely name."

She blushed. "And you're sweet talking me before I even know your name." She didn't let go of his hand. Instead, she trailed her fingers along the back of it. "I'm not sure how to feel about that."

"Well, we're going to be stuck together for the entiriety of this campaign." He said. "We might as well get to know each other."

She would probably faint for real if this kept up. Ugh.

"I really do think you need to clean that scarf off." She said.

"Yeah, maybe." He said. He pulled away from her, much from her annoyance, and looked it over again. "There's a river near here... it should wash right out."

"I suppose we can go through our drills by the river." Lana said. "It's just the two of us, right?"

He nodded.

 _Oh, Nayru! I am not worthy...!_

"Great!" She chirped, as she took his hand. "We're going to have a nice workout!"

...

Lana found herself a very happy girl later that night.

Her comrades seemed to be rather taken aback at her being on completely at bliss, but she didn't really care. Humming an epic, adventurous tune to herself, she danced around the campfire, poking the flames with a stick.

"Be careful not to trod on any of my people." Agatha reminded her, as she returned to her knitting. "They have a tendency to wander underfoot."

"Oh, but of course, Agatha!" She sang. Spinning on one foot, she twirled in circles. "Anything you want, O Princess of Insects!"

"You found a mate, then?" Agatha inquired.

Lana stopped dancing. "Excuse me?"

"You seem way too happy tonight." She explained. "You had a lover."

She found herself blushing again, this time much more furiously. "I... yes." She sighed, completely at bliss. "It was wonderful..."

"I'm glad." She said. She continued to observe the ground beneath her, looking for bugs. "How'd he taste?"

"Delicious." She sighed again, as she sat down. Spreading her legs wide, she sighed again, staring into the fire.

"Eating the head is rather delightful, isn't it?"

"Uh huh." She was starting to fantasize again.

"Well, you only mate once. I suppose it makes sense to savor it."

Lana almost nodded again. Then she caught herself. "Wait. What are you talking about?"

"Pardon?"

"What's with all of this 'you only mate once' garbage?"

She looked confused. "Once per partner, I suppose. If you want to find another partner this mating season, I suppose-"

"Another partner?" She wrinkled her nose. "Why would I want to find another?"

There was a very awkward pause.

"I'm never talking to you again." Lana declared. She leapt to her feet, and disappeared into the dark.

Agatha sighed to herself. "What a strange girl." She said aloud.

…

Lana was usually quite happy to go about her duties in the army, but today she felt rather antsy. She knew it was wrong of her to feel this way, but she was seriously consideriing shirking her duties and go look for Link again.

Lovesickness really was an absolute pain, she thought grimly to herself as they marched. THey would have their entire lives to spend together once this was all over...

She blushed. Now THAT was planning a little far ahead. One fantastic 'training' session was not exactly grounds enough to propose a marriage between them. And she doubted that the Queen would approve. Lana was crucial in the fight against the dark forces. They could not afford to lose her to anything, whether that was death, sickness... or love.

She was so lost in her thoughts, that she almost didn't notice that Zelda was walking in the opposite direction... that is, until they crashed into each other.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, my lady!" Lana said, her voice panicky, as she helped her to her feet. "Are you alright?"

"I... am fine, Lana." Zelda said. She nodded. "Yes. I'm perfectly fine."

"Are you sure?" Lana asked. She reached out a hand and brushed the dirt and dust off her dress.

"Yes!" She snapped. Lana pulled back, flinching.

Zelda almost immediately took on a much more apologetic expression. "I'm so sorry." She said. "Please... I... have a lot on my mind right now."

"We all do." Lana said stiffly.

They stood at a distance apart from each other, staring at each other.

"Please, Lana." Zelda said softly. "I was just about to take a break from work to spend some time in the hot springs. Why don't you join me?"

It wasn't exactly an order, but Lana knew better than to refuse her request.

"I didn't even know we had captured a hot spring." She confessed. "I have nothing to wear."

"That won't be a problem." Zelda said. "Please. Follow me."

Impa wasn't going to like this... She thought glumly, as she followed her into the woods. She better mind her manners.

...

She almost immediately forget her worries when she stepped into the spring.

"Wow..." She moaned, as she slid into the water. "It's sooooooooooo WARM..."

She barely registered the soft smile Zelda gave her as she slid in next to her. "It is, isn't it?" She said. "Don't tell Impa this..." She looked to the left and right, before leaning in to whisper in Lana's ear. "We came here just because I wanted a soak."

Lana laughed, despite herself. "During a war?"

"Uh huh." Zelda nodded.

"Why?"

Zelda winked at her. "To prevent the enemy from coming here, of course!"

They both had a good laugh at that. Lana found herself marveling over how funny Zelda could be, when she had the chance to loosen up.

"You've been looking really happy lately." Zelda commented. "What have you been doing, then?"

Lana flinched. A memory surfaced of her lying flat on her back by the river, her legs wrapped around Link's waist.

"Oh. U-um..." She giggled softly. "N-nothing..."

Zelda looked somewhat surprised at this. "Really?" She asked. "You've been grinning like a goron all day!"

Lana blushed. This was NOT the time to be dealing with this.

"Oh... well... It's only natural." She said lamely, avoiding her Queen's eye. "The enemy hasn't really moved in on this location much, so I'm just taking the time to unwind."

Zelda nodded, in a way showing that she understood. "I'm glad you're not working yourself too hard." She said. "I hear you worked with out new recruit?"

She gave a sharp blush. "W-worked w-with?" She stammered. "I-I have no idea what you're t-t-talking about."

"Link told me he met with you and ran you through with some drills." Zelda said.

Oh, he had certainly run through her alright... with a rather large drill...

"Oh... y-yeah..." She gulped. "He did."

She beamed at her. "He's really something else, isn't he?" she said.

Her nervousness almost instantly vanished as a new, much more violent emotion emerged in her.

"What do you mean?" She asked, trying to keep her rage in check.

"He's an absolutely incredible soldier." Zelda informed her. "He's incredibly resourceful, and has been a huge asset to our cause..." She put on a thoughtful expression. "I was thinking of having him work alongside you, actually."

She wasn't sure whether she should slap Zelda or try to kiss her.

"I... kind of liked him." She admitted. "He really knew how to-" She paused. "Use a sword."

"He told me you're excellent at giving massages." She commented.

She sputtered. "I... he told you what?" Of all the things to tell her... he told her an outright lie?

She did not give Link a massage. She did lots of other things with him that she didn't want Zelda to know about, but a massage of all things?

"Um." Her mind racing, she decided to just go with the flow. "Y-yeah."

She had no idea why Link would lie to their queen like that. However, since she actually had a good reason TO keep Zelda in the dark about what had actually happened, she had no choice but to go with the flow.

"I did not know that." Zelda said. She sounded impressed.

Oh please, no don't let what's going to happen happen...

"Maybe you could give me a massage!" Zelda said cheerfully.

Uuuuuuuuugggggh...

...

"That was wonderful, Lana." Zelda purred, as she lay against the rock they had used in place of a proper table.

"Thanks... I guess?" Lana was a little unnverved at how blissful she looked, but decided to let it go. "So I was wondering... where would I find Link? If we're going to be working together, I need-"

"Training, I imagine." Zelda said airily. "Try the training ground."

"I will!" Lana said. "Thank you!"

She was off.

Zelda gave another blissful sigh as someone else came from the woods.

"You were watching all of that, weren't you?" She sighed.

He laughed. "Of course not, Princess." He said. "I only just arrived."

"Show some respect to your superiors." She said, her eyes closing.

"I am nothing more than a simple knight, milady." He answered. "How would I do that...?"

"It varies from person to person." She said. Lifting herself up slightly, she rotated her body so that she was facing him, her legs spread wide. "I think there's only one thing that you can do to please me." She cooed.

..

Lana gave another annoyed sigh as she sat, sloucing slightly, atop a rather large log.

"I don't understand her sometimes." She complained to her companion. "Other times she acts like she doesn't even know me. Other times, she's forcing me to give her massages."

Midna giggled slightly, as she hovered up into the air.

"She's just anxious." She said. Turning slightly in midair, she turned to look over at her, and winked. "We all are."

"Yeah, we are." Lana agreed. She sighed. "Oh, what I wouldn't give to lie in bed all day." She lamented.

Midna laughed again. "Of course you do." She teased. She floated upward, out of Lana's reach, as she smirked down at her. "You're rather lazy, I've noticed. Unlike your boyfriend..."

Lana spluttered.

"My... My WHAT!" She said. She started blushing. "I-I don't know what you mean."

"Uh huh." Midna said. "Which is exactly why you and Link keep sneaking off into the woods together the instant Zelda turns her back..."

"It's- it's not like that at all!" Lana protested. "We're... we were just training..."

"Training?" Midna asked, cocking an eyebrow. "Of what kind?"

"Well..." Lana said slowly, her mind whirling. She bit her lip. "Well... he's been promoted recently, so I've been showing him the ropes of commanding the army..."

To her very great relief, and surprise, Midna accepted this answer.

"Yes, that's good." She said. Her eyes glinting. "That's very good."

Lana did not like that look at all.

"Um. Yes." She said. "He's an excellent soldier, but he needs a bit more brushing up on his leadership-"

"So you're really not together then?" Midna asked bluntly.

Well, they had been together... dozens of times. Each one more lovely and wonderful than the last. But since she couldn't quite figure out how to force (Errr... coerce) him into marriage just yet, she gave a simple shake of her head.

"Really?" She said happily. "You're not pulling my leg?"

Lana had a very bad feeling about this. She nodded.

Midna gave a blissful sigh as she descended, right on top of Lana's head.

"I'm so very glad to hear that." She said, as she tugged on Lana's hair, causing her to shriek in pain. "I mean... really, a man like that..."

Lana had never heard Midna speak of anyone in this way before, and something about the reverence she uttered her words with really bothered her.

"He knows how to use a sword." Lana said cautiously. "That's something, I guess..."

"Hmmm."

Hoping to the goddesses that she hadn't taken that the wrong way, Lana quickly tried to steer the conversation in her favor. "He has an absolutely horrible personality." She said. "Wicked, awful, terrible temper."

"What?" Midna said. That got her attention. "He wasn't rude to you, was he?"

"Oh yeah." Lana said, nodding vigorously, nearly throwing Midna off of her head. "Yeah, when I showed up to train him, he got mad at me for not being as pretty as Zelda. He then tried to... Um... make me show more skin!"

"What?" Midna said. "That's terrible!"

"Yeah, he is." Lana agreed quickly. "I wouldn't go anywhere near him if I were you. He's the sort of person who only has time for the prettiest, most important women in the army.

She blinked. A drop of water had spilled onto her leg. At first she had thought it was raining, but it wasn't until Midna spoke again that she realized what it was.

"Pr-pretty?" Midna repeated. Her entire demeanor had changed again. "He only talks to... pretty girls?"

Another tear drop splattered onto her leg as Lana immediately tried to backtrack.

"No, Midna, please don't... I didn't mean it that way... you look perfectly fine."

"No I don't!" She shrieked. "I'm hideous!"

Breaking out into full sobs, she soared off into the forest.

Lana stared after her, wondering if maybe... MAYBE she was being a bit of a bitch.

...

Midna's sobs almost seemed to echo throughout the entire forest. It was lonely, dark, and quiet. Usually the sort of environment she liked, but now she just felt misereable and lonely.

Her new shape certainly had it's perks. It was fun simply doing things she couldn't have done in her old body. Riding on people's shoulders, swooping down at Impa from above, and simply being very mischeivious.

And yet, Lana's words stung. She had tried to distance herself from her past, and for good reason. She absolutely hated her duties as a Princess. But now that she had her freedom, at the cost of her old body...

Tears began to well up inside her again. A sob rang out, she couldn't hold it back any longer. Oh, how she longed to be like Zelda... noble and brave and willing to work hard to protect her people. She was just an imp. A monster.

"Midna?"

She stiffened. Someone was watching her, in the shadows.

"Are you alright?" The voice was so soft, so warm, so caring.

"I- go away!" She snapped. "Whoever you are... leave me!"

She tried to sound bold, fearless, without a care in the world, But she couldn't do it. Another sob broke past her facade, and she found herself hiding her face in her hands.

Hands wrapped around her shoulders.

"It's me." Link whispered. "It's going to be alright."

The sat there, in the darkness, alone. She desperately tried to stop crying, but couldn't.

"I'm such a selfish person." She confessed. "Zelda is working herself to the bone to help me win back my crown, and I... I can't even..."

"We don't need you to be a leader, Midna." He said. "We just need you to be here for us. All of us."

"But I'm worthless." Midna moaned. "As a Princess, as a soldier, as a per-"

"Don't you dare say that." Link snapped. "We need you Midna. And you need us."

She brushed off his touch, and hovered a little ways away from where he was kneeling. "I... I know." She admitted. "I need to be stronger, Link." Reaching forward, she cupped his face in her hand. "You've always been so good to me." She murmured.

He smiled back at her. "I am your humble servant, milady."

"Is... that all you are?" She asked. Disappointment evident in her voice. "Of course..." She said bitterly. "I look like a freak."

He frowned. "What do you mean?" He asked, confusion evident in his voice. "Midna, you're a brave woman, and one of our dearest allies. And you also happen to be really fucking hot."

Despite herself, she erupted into a fit of giggles. "Wow..." She snickered. "What a prince charming you are."

...

"This can't go on." Lana raged to herself, as she began to pace back and forth in her tent. "Midna wants to be with him, he's spending far too much time with Zelda, and even Impa has been shooting weird little looks his way..."

She groaned. Having competition in something like this absolutely blew. Knowing that her lover had a lot of options in her life made her feel very uncomfortable and insecure. Any one of those shrews could keep him away from her for the rest of their lives.

"There has to be something I could do..." She muttered. Leaving the tent, she found herself taking a walk in the dark... and her eyes fell onto Sheik, the mysterious time traveling man from the future.

"Or... someone."

Link wasn't the only one with options. She decided, as she skipped over to him. SHe would make him long for her, realize just how wonderful she was, and he would make her his... forever.

She just needed to make him jealous first. No sweat.

…

Lana ran the long stick of soap across her mouth, trying to get the taste of Sheik's body off of her. Amused, Sheik leaned across the table at her, giving her a look.

"I thought you knew." He... or rather, SHE... claimed, with a chuckle. She was enjoying this, Lana thought bitterly, as she gargled and spat.  
Sheik was wearing nothing more than an elaborate bikini, combat boots, and mask at this point. Lana had spent fifteen minutes cooing over her (HIS, she reminded herself quickly, she thought it was a guy!) before finally realizing that her new boyfriend didn't have parts he should have had.

Sheik, to her displeasure, seemed more amused by the whole situation than anything else, and had stuck around just to laugh at her.

Stupid sexy Sheik. She thought bitterly, as her eyes fell on her abs again. Why'd she have to go and trick her like that...

"Are you feeling alright, Lana?" Sheik asked, as she placed a hand on her shoulder. "Do you want me to go get Zelda?"

She shook her head. "I am not alright!" She moaned. "Why'd you have to trick me like that, huh?"

Sheik gave her a look. "I didn't trick anyone." She said. "It's not exactly a secret that I'm a girl."

"No one mentioned it to me!" Lana insisted, bringing her face into a pout. "I swear!"

Sheik laughed. "Well, you're going to have to stary paying more attention." She teased. She sat down next to Lana, and to her disgust, placed a hand on her bare leg. "What if all the guys you like turn out to be girls? What then?"

"That won't be an issue, I assure you. " Lana sniffed. Suddenly, thoughts of all the times Link had fucked her invaded her thoughts.

She let out a soft, wistful sigh.

To her very great surprise, however, Sheik give a soft giggle and brought her face closer. "So you're nejoying yourself now, hmmm...?"

She thought she was still interested!

Lana pulled away, and stood up. "Um, I have to be going." She lied, still thinking of Link. "I... ummm... need to go see my friend's dick... I mean sword..." She backed up away from her, and with a shriek, fell into the river!

Sheik dashed forward and reached out her hand to pull her back. Lana was soaking wet as she was pulled back to dry land. "You're not getting laid looking like that." Sheik said, amused, as she wrapped her arm around her. Lana did not resist this time... she was freezing. "I'll make a fire, okay?"

Lana nodded. Her teeth was chattering. The river wasn't all that cold, was it? But then again, she hadn't submerged herself in the water...

"It's going to be alright." Sheik soothed, as she placed her hands in front of her and summoned a large flame. Lana slowly felt her core muscles unwind and warm up. "Thanks." She said at last. She was still a little wet, but at least she wasn't freezing.

"You might want to get a little sleep." Sheik advised, as she wrapped her arm around her. "Let's go."

Lana nodded. It was a nice, quiet trip back...

Until they passed the Princess's tent.

"Uggggh..." Lana moaned, as she pressed her hands against her ears. "Please don't tell me..."

Sheik giggled slightly, as she gently wrapped her arm around Lana. "Oh, jealous of our princess are we?" she teased, as the moans got even louder. "Maybe if you were a bit more open minded..."

Lana shrugged her off her shoulders, and took a longing glance towards the tent. "I'm not jealous!" She replied adamantly. "And I don't think Link would appreciate me being with someone else. He's been nothing but-"

"Liiiiiiiiiiiiink."

Sheik stifled a giggle at Lana's horrified expression, but her expression quickly became stern as Lana opened her book. "Lana..." she said, as reached out and grabbed her arm. "Are you really going to attack the princess?"

"I need to take back what's mine!" She replied fiercely, her teeth bared, as she took a step forward.

"You're not married, are you?" Sheik asked, as she pulled her back. "Besides, he's gone through practically the entire camp already."

Lana bristled. "He what?"

There were an awful lot of girls shooting jealous looks towards the Princess's tent... at midnight...

Lana stamped her foot. "Doesn't matter." She said. "He took me first, and I'm the one who deserves him from this point forward."

"Oh, so you're saying you're going to marry him, then, so no one else can have him?"

"Yeah!" Lana said, puffing up her cheeks. "I'll get that ring on me in no time!"

To her very great surprise, the small crowd of girls turned around to face her, glaring daggers. She qualied backwards, surprised at the sudden toxicity towards her. "I... what?" She said at last.

"You're going to take away Link from us?" The farm girl they had rescued said at last, her eyes narrowed. "Forever?"

"Even Zelda lets us have a turn now and then..." Another girl murmured. "She knows she alone can't handle him all the time..."

The crowd, almost by instinct, began drawing weapons, taking threatening steps towards them.

Lana screamed in fright, turned tail and ran from the mob of angry women, waving her arms above her head. "I mean it, too!" She screeched, as she was chased into the distance.

Sheik gave a small laugh, and a shake of her head as she took one last look around, to make sure they were all gone before pushing the tent flap back and entering inside.

"Oh, Link..." Zelda cooed, as she stroked his hair. "What would I do without you...?"

"Be rather lonely and misereable, I imagine." Sheik quipped, as she undid her head dressing, letting her long blonde hair cascade down her back. "Hey, Impa."

Impa, watching from the cornor, gave a small grunt as Sheik crawled up beside them.

"Sheik." Zelda gasped, as she gave another moan. "Oh, it's so good to see you..." She gave a small smirk, before moaning again. "Especially dressed like that..."

Sheik leaned forward and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. "Anything to please my princess." She teased, as she wrapped an arm around Link's waist. "And her concubine, I suppose."

Link cast her a bored look, as he pulled out of Zelda. "I have a bit more status than a mere concubine, thank you."

Sheik giggled as Link reached forward and pushed her onto her back. Zelda groaned as Link began kissing and caressing her body. "Hey, mister." She whined, tugging on her blanket. "We're not finished yet..."

"Don't you have a tactics meeting to get to?" Sheik asked, as Link removed her bikini top.

"This was my tactics meeting." She sniffed. "We were just talking about what we would do when we get to the Gerudo Fortress, and of course..."

"Sex came up." Sheik said, nodding. "They're going to tear you apart, Link."

"Yeah, probably." He admitted, trailing a hand across her stomach. "How many do you think I'll impregnate on this first trip?"

"None, if I can help it." Zelda said firmly, placing her hand on Link's back. "Link, I know you like meeting new people, but you can't just go crazy on women from other armies. If you can get one or two to come with us, fine, but don't overexert yourself... okay?"

"I also don't think Ganondorf will much like you moving in on his women." Sheik piped in. "I imagine he's very strict with them... Oooohhh..."

Zelda affectionately ran her hands through Sheik's hair, listening to her moans. "I feel the same way." She said, as she cast a glimpse towards Impa. "Please try not to offend him. I'm sure he's a nice man..."

...

"The Princess is on her way, milord."

Nabooru did not dare look upon the man she called her master, for she knew that she would not be able to control her actions afterward.

"Excellent." The low, sensual, yet unstoppable voice said. "Another week, and she will be ours."

She did not dare look up, but she knew he was casting a look out of the window. "For too long, our people have been forced to kidnap someone to love them." He said. "Our training yards are full of young girls who simply cannot bear children on their own."

Oh no. She was starting to sweat. The conversation was going places that was making her... uncomfortable.

"We have you, my lord!" She blurted out. "We all love you!"

"Yes, but I am just one man." He said. "For a strong country, we need strong men. And Princess Zelda will provide these men for you... once I am through with her."

His tone was wistful, an unsual aspect for him. She couldn't resist. She looked at him. "My lord..." She said. "You will have her. This I promise you."

"Indeed." He said, as he stepped towards her, placing a hand on her forehead. She bit her lip as she looked up at him. "This meeting is through. Follow me."

She nodded, and followed him into the back, where five other girls were waiting. They weren't wearing anything.

In a matter of moments, neither was she. She screamed out in pleasure as her lord and master took her right there, without a care in the world. "No man can match you, master!" She screamed. "I will never take another!"

"And neither will Princess Zelda." He said coolly, once he was through with all of them, leaving them all spread out across the room in a blissful silence. "You may want to bring more girls next time, Nabooru."

She nodded, giving him a small loving smile as he left the room to go about his business. No man could match the Gerudo King, in anything. Under his rule, Gerudo would become a paradise.

No man could challenge him and win.

…

Link was no stranger to long, considering looks from women he met in his daily life, but the capital city of Gerudo was proving itself to be something else entirely.

"It's a rather nice city." He said amicably to Zelda, his arm around her, as they walked through the bazaar. He tried his best to ignore the gaggle of girls who had stopped gossiping to stare at them as they passed. Link twitched instinctively, almost shooting them a warm smile, but was quickly tugged away by his Queen.

"Not until we meet with Ganondorf." She hissed. "I need you, Link."

She wasn't jealous. Zelda usually would have been more than happy to approach the girls with him and casually bring up just how much pleasure he brought her, but this was not Hylian territory. It was hard, ignoring the clear, longing looks shot at him from every direction, the light touches from shopkeepers, the way groups of girls would squel as he approached... it was all a bit much.

"I'll make it up to you when we get back, I promise." Zelda was saying, as they turned the corner. "This has to be hard on you..."

He smiled and shook his head. "It's no big deal, Zelda." He said. "I understand completely. We need Gerudo's support."

He meant it too, and Zelda found herself melting at his sincerity. They entered a new shop together, as if they were just an ordinary happy young couple, unaware that a hooded figure from the shadows was watching them.

"He who hates women shall find himself hated by them..."

...

Lana was not having as wonderful as a time in the city.

"Agitha, I have better things to do than babysit you." She huffed, as she was dragged along by the hand by the bug Princess in question. "Couldn't you just... uh, have your cricket knights guide you, or something?"

"Bugs don't wear dresses, silly!" She said, as they stopped in front of a window filled with dresses. "And they can't carry bags, either..."

They had stopped in front of a huge, lavishly decorated building with a sign that read 'Madame Couture's' in big neon letters. "The Hytopian place?" Lana wondered aloud, as she cast an interested look inside. "I hear the witch there is a massive bit-"

"Come on!" Agitha chirped, and immediately dragged her inside.

It was quite a bit smaller than the establishment she had read about in magazines, but it was still clearly a Madame Couture place. There were not a lot of Gerudo clothes here... clearly Madame Couture didn't like their style.

There were, however, plenty of exotic styles to take her breath away. She took a long, glance at a frilly, blue dress that would suit her well.

"I think the Wizard's Robe would suit you well!"

"Huh?" She blinked, as she turned around.

Standing there, right behind stood a stunning young blonde woman dressed in a bright pink ballgown. "You're a sorceress, aren't you?" She asked, casting a look at the book tucked under her arm. "You'll like that. It's enchanted... it enchances your powers." She giggled. "And it looks good, too!"

"This is a magic store?" Lana asked, hardly daring to believe it, as she turned around to look at it. "I had no idea... I mean, I know Madame Couture is a witch, but..."

"Madame Couture has lately been fascinated with providing for heroes." The girl said, taking the dress off of the rack, and offering it to her. "Here, please, I insist... try it on before you go!"

She did not have much of a choice. The girl actually pushed her into the changing room and slid the door shut for her.

Lana did not have to be told twice. She did like the dress, after all. She popped off her shoes and stripped bare. Link better like it, she thought, shivering at the idea of his hands caressing her once more. She could NOT go much longer without some relief...

She did not put her shoes back on, instead choosing to walk out as she was. "And how do I look?" She asked, spinning around. She quite liked the way the dress flitted in between her legs.

"It looks great!" The girl said, clapping her hands together. "It really suits your hair..."

"You would look better in it, Princess!"

The girl flinched, suddenly clearly uncomfortable. "Oh... Red." She said, turning to face him. Her smile looked forced. "I thought I asked you to go run an errand... across the country..."

"It's me, Green." The chubby faced, tiny man said. "It's easy! We all look alike, but we all wear different colors, so it's not hard to tell us apart!" He was wearing, of all things, a fish costume that covered his entire body.

Lana could tell this man was not welcome. "Ah, who are you?" She asked, nervously. She nervously padded down her dress, careful not to expose any more leg.

"I'm her Triforce Hero!" He said, giving his attempt at a smile. "One of her three, anyway." He giggled. "And her favorite, too!"

"I like you all equally, Green." The girl said, exasperated, rolling her eyes at Lana. "Could you just... go outside? Maybe... go fetch me some materials."

"But we never spend time together anymore." The man whined. "I got that onesie off of you, after all. I deserve a little more... affection..." He licked his lips, staring hungrily at her. "From you."

"It was Madame Couture who made that costume for you." she said quickly. "I am indepted to her, not you... which is why I'm working here now."

"You don't have to hide how you feel from me." The man purred, sliding in closer to her. "I know you wanted some space from your father..."

"My father agrees that we need to show our respect to Madame Couture." She said stiffly. "If that means helping her expand her business outside of Hytopia, so be it!"

"Oh, darlings, it's terrible!"

Lana flinched from the loud screeching noise. To her disgust, an almost idential man, this time dressed in blue, descended upon them. He was dressed in a skirt and dress shorter than even her own, with his hair tied back. In his hands, he held a pair of blue pom poms."

"Oh, Blue..." Green said, looking at him. "Don't tell me those Gerudo punks stole another dress?"

"Worse!" He gasped, raising a shaking finger away from them. "Bugs! There are bugs everywhere!"

"Bugs!" The girl screeched, getting to her feet. "Here! But you three are supposed to prevent that from happening!"

"Sorry, Styla, darling." Blue said, quivering. "I had no idea there were so MANY..."

"Bugs?" Lana repeated, recalling that Agitha was inthe building. Very likely, she had brought them in worth her. "I don't think it's an infestation..."

But they weren't listening. "I want this taken care of NOW, Blue." She snapped. "Don't be such a woman."

"But bugs are scary, aren't they Styla?" Blue whimpered, stepping closer to her. "Look, you need to protect me, I can't..."

"Is Red awake yet?" Styla was saying, looking around at them all. "Don't tell me he's drunk again..."

"He was last night." Green said. "We can't do a thing until he's ready, though. Tri Force Heroes only operate in three, after all." He winked at her. "Three men are better than one." He said suggestively.

Style twitched. "Fine." She said coolly, as she stood up. "I will deal with it myself."

She strode across the room, and did not look back at them. Green quickly turned and saw Lana. "Nice dress." He said. "How'd you like to see it on the floor beside my bed?"

She walked past him and followed Styla instead. "I'll help you!" She said fiercely, not wanting to admit that she really didn't want to be left alone in the building anymore.

They found Agitha playing with the bugs in a corner. "Oh, hello Lana." She said warmly, as she stood up. "I was just speaking with the colony here."

"I think it's time we go, Agitha." Lana said, casting a look behind her. "I really don't want to be caught her... especially if I have to change back into my other clothes."

Styla groaned. "Leaving so soon?" She said. She almost seemed like she would cry. "I can't take this anymore." She said, tears in her eyes. "Nothing but harassment from those who are meant to protect me. The Gerudo don't understand not appreciating a man's company, but we..."

She looked up. They had already gone. "No one cares." She said bitterly, gripping her delicate hands into a fist. "No one cares..."

Her eyes flashed. "And she didn't even pay for the dress!"

She laughed, whirling around. "Boys!" She said. "The girl who just left stole something! Get going after her!"

"Oh, do we have to?" Green sighed. "I only just got back! I haven't even saved my game yet!"

"Go now!" She snapped. "Take Red with you... That girl needs to pay for her dress!"

"Alright, alright." He said. "C'mon Blue. Let's get this over with quick."

They waddled back upstairs, and Styla allowed herself to relax. She smiled, collapsing on the nearest chair. That would, at the very least, buy her a little more time..."

...

Midna had found herself unable to spend any time exploring the city to her inability to handle sunlight, so she had to settle for spending her days in the shadows of her comrades, particularly Link. She had once joked to him that she had spent more time inside of him than he had with her. After spitting out his tea, he had mounted her and fucked her raw.

Good times.

Today, she was with Zelda, whose company she enjoyed nearly as much, as they entered the Gerudo fortress. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" She hissed in Zelda's ear, casting a wary look at all of the armed soldiers around them. "Couldn't this wait?"

"We can't intimidate these people." Zelda said firmly. "We need to... open up to them, in a matter of speaking."

Midna groaned. "Who are we meeting with today?"

It was against Gerudo custom to allow foreigners to easily meet with the King. Instead, they had met with business women, the three generals, and the King's personal aide. All seemed rather sympathetic to their cause, which was unusual. She wondered if the With Cia had attacked Gerudo as well.

However, each time, up to this point, she had taken Link with her. Not just to show him off (Although she did get a sick sense of pleasure seeing the usually stoic women of Gerudo twich and squirm in his presence) but to demonstrate to them that Hyrule's royal family was very supportive of it's allies. Link himself was not from Hyrule, but the neighboring province of Ordon, where he raised birds for the Kokiri, but had quickly rosen through the ranks of the army due to his... abilities... that caught her attention. They had been inseperable ever since.

Business before pleasure, however, and Zelda thought it would be interesting to see how the Gerudo would treat her without her favorite bodyguard (and lover) accompianing her.

"Yes, I'm here for my meeting." She said to the guards, casting a glance between the two of them. They were both quite pretty, in the Gerudo fashion. "Ah, who am I to meet today?"

The two looked between them. "Our King's aide, Nabooru." They said, in unison. "Please, enter."

She nodded her thanks and enterered.

To her surprise, Nabooru had been waiting for her. "Your majesty." The woman said, graciously, as she got to her feet and held out her arm. "A pleasure."

"May Din smile." Zelda said, remembering that the Gerudo acknowledged Din as their patron. She took her arm and grasped it. Although still young, Nabooru had the air of someone who had a great deal of experience under their belt.

"Your man is not with you today?"

"No, not today." Zelda said. "I have the utmost trust in the Gerudo, I have no reason to bring him with me every day."

"Of course." Nabooru said, smiling slightly. "But the witch Cia has eyes and ears everywhere... even in this city."

"Does she now?" Zelda asked. "What do you know about this woman?"

...

Sheik found herself anxiously looking up at the fortress. "Oh, Zelda." She said, to herself. "Why do you have to be so suspicious...?"

"I can't blame her." Link said. "I probably wouldn't believe your story either."

"You wouldn't." Sheik said, sighing. Turning around, she slid a finger over her face and pulled down her mask.

"I thought you wanted to keep your face hidden?" Link asked. Not stopping her, but merely pointing out a fact.

Sheik giggled. "If even my past self can't recognize her won face... I don't think a passerby will recognize me either."

Sheik undid the last of her wraps and faced him. A slightly older Zelda faced him, then. This was the first time they had spoken in a non intimate fashion. It was odd seeing her out in public like that. "You aged well." He commented. "But it was only seven years, wasn't it?"

"Seven years." She repeated, still looking at him. "Seven years, since Cia stole you away and all of Hyrule lay in ruin." She felt a strong desire to be with him, again, as a normal woman, and tugged off the rest of her hat and wrappings. "Seven years since I lost you for good." She whispered.

Link looked at her forlornly, wondering what was going through her head. "Losing someone you love is hard." He said. "Don't feel guilty for it."

Sheik, now Zelda, feeling a little bold, took off her gloves next. Although slightly burned by Volga's flames in a future long past, they, at least, were still there. "You have no idea." She whispered. "I crossed the rivers of time to see you again, and..."

He reached out a hand and stroked her hair. "And you're going to change everything." He said. "I know it."

Before she knew it, his arms were around her again, and she began to cry. "Oh, Link." She whispered. "I love you. More than anything, I love you."

"Here, Zelda." He said, pointing down under the bridge. "Did you see something?"

She giggled. This was an old favorite game of his. "It was a new adventure, wasn't it?"

"How'd you know I..." He shook his head, smiling. "You know all my tricks, don't you?" He teased.

She let go of him, clambering on top of the wall, and tossed her scarf at him. "You're going to have to try harder than that, boy." She said. "I..."

He was next to her before she had even known it. "Just because we know there's an adventure over there, doesn't make it any less exciting." He said. "This way."

She ignored the jealous stares of a group of young Gerudo girls and kissed him. "Sex under a bridge?" She said. "Why, Sir Link...! I never heard of such a thing...!"

He squuezed her thigh. She saw from the corner of her eye that one of the girls was biting her lip at the sight. "Yes, well, you've always been a bit sheltered." He said.

The girls followed them as they approached the bridge, and Link helped her down the side of it. Once under the shade, they entered a passionate session of love making that felt absolutely wonderful.

"I love you, Link..." She sighed, blissfully aware that they had an audience this time around. "That was... the best..."

He kissed her, causing her to moan again at his touch. "You better get dressed." He told her. "You don't want Ganondorf or anyone to think you're shirking your responsibilities."

"I technically have, haven't I?" Shiek asked, looking wistfully up at the fortress. "I should be up there right now..."

"You ARE up there right now." Link corrected her. "Don't sweat it, okay?"

She nodded, knowing that his words rang true.

"I'll meet you back at the base, okay?" Link said, getting up. "I have some things to do, first."

She nodded. She was all tuckered out, and needed a half hour or so of respite.

"Hey, ladies." He said, as he stepped back out. "You look like you enjoyed yourselves..."

She smiled to herself as she closed her eyes. What a guy.

...

Princess Styla anxiously sorted through all of her options. Perhaps she could ask Madame Couture to make something that would make her unappealing to losers? But even while in her cursed onesie, the Triforce Heroes had desperately tried to save her... desperately...

She shivered. All three of them had long worn out their welcome in her life. She would always be somewhat grateful to them for gathering the materials she needed to break the curse... she was starting to believe that anyone could have done that.

Her style was everything to her, but she was starting to find herself more and more unwilling to get ready for the day. Every new dress she tried would redouble the comments about her clothing (That would look good right next to my bed, hur hur hur) customers she would have really liked help find their own sense of style would never return due to the lewd comments that Green and Red would fire at them, while Blue would pretend to 'be one of the girls' and suggest changing together...

This was life, she supposed, as she looked around the empty store. No one was coming in anymore, despite how much the Gerudo loved the clothes. It was a shame, she thought. Showing some skin was nice sometimes, but they could try a little bit more variety...

The bell rang.

She got to her feet, already thanking the Triforce that it wasn't the Triforce Heroes, before putting on a smile. "Hello, welcome to Madame Coutures!" She said brightly. "How can I help you?"

It was a handsome young man accompanied by three young, attractive gerudo girls, all of whom were clinging to him, whispering into his ear. "Can you do that to me...! Please, sir... I need to know...!"

It was not unusual to see Gerudo girls harassing men, but this was something else entirely. It bothered her though... it reminded her a little too much of her own predicament.

He seemed happy enough with the arrangment, however. "I'd like to get to know you a little bit more, if you don't mind..." He said. "Names would be a good start. Hey, this looks nice."

They stopped in front of a glass case that contained a suit for swordsman.

"You have a good eye, swordsman!" She chirped, as she came up to him. Eyeing him up close, she briefly fancied the idea of joining the group of girls in harassing him, but dismissed the fantasy just as quickly. "That's a Spin Attack attire...Some Hylian heroes have been known to think of the Spin attack as one of their most important techniques."

"Yeah, I know." Link said. "I use it a lot myself."

So he was Hylian. "If you'd like to try it on, you're more than welcome to try." She invited, gesturing to the dressing room. "Ladies, please give him some room."

Pouting, they withdrew their hands from him as e reached up and took the spin attack attire for himself. "It's light." He noted, fingering it. "Aerodynamic too, right."

"All of our equipment for adventuring is magical." She said. "We sell ordinary clothes too, of course, but magic is more fun, I think."

"I agree." He said, nodding. "I think I will try this on."

The five of them walked to the dressing room and Styla, anxious to make a good impression, opened the curtain for him. "Please go right ahead." She said. She ignored the glares of the girls.

"Thank you." He said, stepping up on the platform. The cutrain slid shut behind him. "How do you get this on?"

One girl eagerly stood up, but Styla stopped her. "You can figure it out." She called. It's easy... Just..."

"We're back!"

Oh no! Why, why did they only come back when customers where there?"

"Hello, Styla." Green said, waddling up back to her. "I hope you didn't miss me too much..."

"No, Green." She said, almost gritting her teeth. "You weren't missed."

Red yawned, scratching himself as he took another drink from his bottle. "Styla, when are we going to do it?" He asked bluntly, swaying a little where he stood. "You've been putting us off for too long, it's about time we..."

He raised the bottle drippling several drops to the floor, before sipping again. "We need you, Styla." He said huskily. "We braved the Drablands for you, and this is how you repay us? Making us your slave, going after thieves who are impossible to catch..."

"You didn't catch her?" Style asked. "How could you not? She wasn't even wearing shoes, she would have been easy to follow!"

"Yeah, well, we didn't think of that." Red said. "We were too busy talking about how you aren't being good enough to us."

"Red!" Blue whimpered, suddenly looking shifty. "She doesn't need to hear this..."

"I'm not good enough to you?" Styla repeated, looking between the three of them. "Excuse me?"

The Gerudo girls, initially so giggly and laid back, were suddenly alert, and all had swords.

"You're not getting any younger, woman." Red said, raising his bottle towards her. "You can't stay a virgin forever, you broad. What will you do when your looks fade, huh?"

He drank again. "Your father can't marry you off to any princes, because they've all been taken in by the Witch Cia. You can't marry a commoner, because they're beneath you. The only people you can be with are your Heroes. The..."

"Enough."

Styla had nearly started crying before she heard the deep, reassuring voice behind her. Her fears instantly melted as he lay a hand on her shoulder.

He stepped out in front of her, shirtless, where the three men were standing. "Huh?" Red asked. "Who are you?"

"I'm just a customer." Link said. "But even I can tell you aren't welcome here."

"Pah." Red snorted, as he drained the last of his bottle. "You don't know who you're talking to, boy." He smashed the bottle against the ground, shattering it into pieces that lay sprawled out over the floor. "We're the Triforce Heroes!"

They drew their swords, and to Styla's horror, advanced at the unarmed man. "No one stands between us and our prize!" Red snarled.

"Who are you to get in our way?" Green snickered. "Just some punk who thinks he can compete."

"You can't win, darling." Blue giggled. "Hmmm... I'll have some fun with you later, boy."

They were out on the street before they could even blink. "And stay out." Link said, before slamming the door behind them.

"That was so hot..." The girls whispered, eyeing him as he came back over to them. Styla found herself readily agreeing.

"Are you alright?" Link asked, concerned, as he looked her over. "You're not hurt, are you?"

She shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes. "No... Not at all..." She whispered. "I... thank you..."

She stood up. "I won't let them push me around anymore." She said. "They will never step foot in this store again, I swear it."

She raced upstairs, hoping to find something she could use as a weapon to drive them away when they came back.

Link watched her go, and turned back to the other girls. "Sorry about that." He said apologetically. "Not my idea of an ideal first date."

The girls stared at him. "But you were so hot, though..." One said.

Link laughed. "Could you do me a favor and let me know if they ever come back here?" He asked, as he stepped back behind the curtain. "Those guys won't give up easily, I don't think."

The girls looked at each, nodded, and each got to their feet. Slipping out of their shoes, they loosened their clothing and pulled back the curtain. "This is getting out of hand. Stop teasing us...!"

They got what they wanted.

…

Zelda gave a soft sigh as she entered her room at the Gerudo hotel. Generously provided to her by the King, it was a nice place set aside for guests of his.

She kicked off her shoes, smiling to herself as the sounds of an unfamilar moaning filled her ears. She peered inside the bedroom door, and saw quite the sight.

There were four people lying on her bed. Three girls with bright red hair, and Link. Two of them passed out on either sides of the bed, blissful smiles on their faces. The other...

"Eep!" The girl chirped, as she caught sight of Zelda. She pulled the sheets of the bed up and over her head, as if that would hide what they were doing. "I... I... it's not what it looks like?"

"It's not?" Zelda asked. The girl moaned again. Link had only smirked at her, before continuing what he was doing. "What a shame." She slipped the strap of her dress over her shoulder as she walked over to them. The girl, nervously, looked up at her. "I do hope you're enjoying your stay in my room." Zelda said, cupping her face in her hand, stroking it gently. "I know I certainly am."

"I... I'm sorry!" The girl wailed. "I..." 

Zelda removed the hand from her cheek and put it to her lips. "Shhhhhh..." She said, smiling sotly. "You're just going to have to make it up to me, that's all. All four of you."

One of the other girls rolled around to face her. "Don't tell me we STILL have to share him..." She whined. "I want another round!"

"Ahhh!"

The first girl moaned again, clearly in ecstasy, as Link pulled out of her. She collapsed on the bed, face first. "Wow..."

"Something, isn't he?" Zelda asked, proudly, as she crawled up on the bed over to them, trailing her hand across the girl's stomach. "I can never get enough..."

The girl, at first, recoiled at her touch, a little taken aback, and pulled closer to Link. He pulled on her hair, causing her to cry out. "Don't worry. I won't let her do anything to anything you're uncomfortable with." He promised, as she leaned in closer to her face.

"Please... just relax..." Zelda said, as she leaned forward and kissed her.

...

Zelda lay in bed, breathing hard due to ecstasy. Her hand playing withLink's hair as she observed the exhausted Gerudo girls, who had passed out completely, wide smiles on their faces. "They look so happy." She said. "It's a good thing I showed up, huh?" She asked. "You never would have satisified them on your own."

She gave a high pitched squeak of delight as he pounced, pinning her on the bed next to them. His sheer inability to run out of energy never failed to impress her.

He took her right then and there. She moaned loudly this time, and the girls next to her, one by one, began to wake up and watch them. Each of them were intently biting their lips. The effect was quite cute.

They did not have long to wait. Zelda gave one last moan before finally climaxing. She lay, completely worn out, on her back.

Link turned to face the other girls. "Whose next?"

...

None of the girls could walk properly the next day, and Zelda could hardly blame them. She kissed them all good bye (All of them, she was annoyed to see, only did so because Link was watching) before saying their goodbyes and walking away. They did not get twenty feet before shooting longing glances back at them.

"Maybe we'll see them again!" Link said optimistically, as he wrapped his arm around her. "They were certainly fun enough."

"Don't touch me while we're in public, sweetie." She hissed, as she pushed his arm off of her. "I can't have the other girls know I'm so... so..."

"Such a deviant?" He asked. "It's no secret, Zelda."

She scowled. "Not what I meant." She said. "What I meant is that... well... it may be required of me to marry soon."

Suddenly, the atmosphere became tense and uncomfortable. "This is the first I've heard of it." Link said. He sounded very unamused. After the extent of their lovemaking last night... Well, of course he was.

"I've only just begun thinking about it." Zelda said. "Ganondorf..." She hesitated. "Has always wanted a Hylian at his side."

As she he had thought, he was not happy with the news. "Is that so." He said. He turned away from her. "He asked you to marry him, then?"

"No." She said quickly. "He just mentioned to me someone in the army had caught his eye, and I just assumed..."

"You assumed he meant you, huh?" He asked. To her surprise, he smirked. "You're so vain, Zelda."

"I am not!" She huffed, annoyed at his attitude. "Who was he talking about, then?"

"Someone else." He said. "Sheik, maybe."

She snorted. He was just messing with her. "If I wasn't the most beautiful woman in this army." She said, pressing herself against him. "I wouldn't have you wrapped around my finger."

"That's more due to you being my Queen, than anything else, milady." He said. "I don't have much of a choice."

He walked away from her. "Where are you going?" She snapped.

"If you want to marry Ganondorf, go ahead." He said. "But I won't touch a married woman."

He gave her a dismissive wave as he walked away.

"Dammit." Zelda cursed, as she kicked a nearby box. "That went splendidly..."

From the shadows, Lana clicked her fingers together in excitement. "Yes..." She hissed. Her eyes glinting. "Excellent..."

From behind her, Midna rolled her eyes as she turned to Malon, the girl who rode her cow into battle. "So why do you think Zelda was considering marrying Ganondorf?"

"Gosh, I don't know." She said. "It's possible it was just a political thing. But Link didn't like that at all..."

"Zelda's not sweet enough to him." Midna said. "She thinks she can get away with anything just because she's the Princess."

From behind them, Sheik gave an audible sigh. "Hm, my past self is acting up again." She muttered. "Maybe I should give her another stern talking to."

Standing on the roof of the building, overlooking the entire group of people who were watching the scene play out, were two men in cloaks. "So it has begun." The man said. "It is only one week until E3."

"Excellent." The other said, staring down at Link intently. "It may just be possible to rid the world of this menace once and for all..."

"The way he treats the women around him is absolutely appaling." The first man said. "If she wanted to sleep with another man... why not let her?"

"Because he controls them." The second one said grimly. "He is manipulative, cruel, privileged... but again, with luck, this will all be brought to an end in one week."

He brought his hand forward, and a book appeared in it. It was the Hyrule Warriors artbook. With practiced ease, the man cracked the book open and it feel immediately on one page. The one he had bought the book to see.

"Soon." He said, as he gazed upon the mysterious smile of the blonde girl in the picture. "You will have your chance to be the hero that girls everywhere can admire..."

...

Styla raised the broom way above her head to give it more force. "I said out!"

"But Styla, we haven't eaten in days!" Red whispered. Despite his words, he still had the faint scent of alchohol on his breath.

"I said stay out!"

He ran. He had not even gone to the other side of the street before he had collapsed, completely out of breath.

She smiled to herself, as she set the broom down. Her heart was still racing, but she could not contain her joy. Her tormentors were quickly becoming nothing more than a nuisance, not the complete monsters they had been previously. And a little bit more, and they would no longer be a part of her life at all.

Soon people would start coming back to the store. She thought happily. That would make Madame Couture happy for sure. Clothes were meant to be worn, after all.

"You're certainly doing well for yourself."

She jumped. She whirled around, her hand reaching for the broom. Then she caught sight of him. "Oh!" She said. She blushed furiously, as she placed the broom down. "It's you..."

Link grinned at her as he walked closer to her. "What, did you think I was one of those three?" He asked. "I guess we do kind of look a like."

This man was hot. The other three weren't. "That's not true at all!" She said, a little too quickly. "I'd never hit you, you... you saved me..."

"Really?" He asked. "It looks to me like you're doing a good job yourself." He took the broom from her and swung it. "Have you ever used a sword before?"

"No, never."

"You could have fooled me." He said. "That was a great strike. You sent him flying."

"It might be the clothes I'm wearing." She said. "They're enchanted to improve combat..."

He laughed. "All the better." He said. "An important aspect to being a good fighter is being prepared for anything."

"Really?" She was always especially flattered whenever someone complimented her in areas other than her style. Of course, those were always appreciated as well... she WAS the most stylish princess on the planet, after all... but hearing him call her a good fighter, something no one else had ever said to her, made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside. "I appreciate that very much, thank you."

"I actually dropped by to check in on you." He said. "But I see now that I have nothing to worry about."

He came to see her again? Because he was worried? That almost melted her heart. But then, if he had nothing to worry about... maybe he wouldn't come back?

"Since you're here, maybe you would like a new outfit?" She asked, gesturing to the suits behind her. "Maybe something that will improve your own combat abilities?"

"I was thinking something that would help me find water, actually." He said. "This desert heat is killing me. Something to get you wet."

"Maybe a water robe?" She suggested, gesturing behind her. "Um, here it is."

She got it ready for him and led him to the dressing room. "It's a little strange looking, but it really does work." She told him. "You just need something to get water from, like a water rod."

He nodded, and pulled the curtain shut. She waited there for several minutes, wondering what was going on, before he stepped back out. She gasped.

Link stepped out, completely soaked, as he glared at her. "My water bottle." He said. Despite herself, she began to giggle at the sight of him. "Well, you did say you wanted to get wet." She said, in between her giggles.

"I thought I said I would get YOU wet."

In his hand was a water bottle, and in a flash, it erupted in her face. She gave a surprised yell and fell out of her chair. Link was laughing at her. And once she got over her shock, she was laughing too.

"I haven't had a good swim in so long." She told him, as she got to her feet. "I forgot how much I missed it."

"So did I." he said. "Swimming in our lake was the best."

He looked contemplative as he looked himself over in the mirror. "This is exactly what I wanted." He said. "Thank you." The curtain slid shut again, and she waited for him to come out.

Instead, he opened it up a crack and peered outside. He looked embarassed. "Um, this won't come off..."

"Are you serious?" She asked. "Oh, it must be the anti shoplifting spell Madame Couture was talking about... it just sticks to you until I approve it as being purchased." Why had they not considered people TRYING clothes when brainstorming anti theft measures? This was ridiculous.

"I'll have to get it off you myself." She said. "I'm... Um... coming in now, so don't get too excited, okay?" Fighting off her blush, she stepped into the dressing room with the man she had just met.

"Okay." She said, as she ran her hands along his back. "Um. Where's the tag...? I need to remove it before it will come off."

"Tag?" He asked, confused. "I saw no tag."

Dammit. She would have to search his entire body by hand. This was so embarassing, she thought, with a perverse sense of glee, as she ran her hands all over his back, thighs, and legs. Blushing furiously, she had to admit it was nowhere there. "Oh, where is it?" She murmured. "Um. Can you turn around, please? I need to check your front..."

He did so, and her embarassment deepened. She could not meet his eyes as she patted along his neck, chest, and stomach. Oh, where was it? "The pant leg, maybe?" She suggested. As she bent over to check. She checked each leg and was forced to conclude that it wasn't there either. "Oh, where is it?" She moaned, looking up at him. "Are you sure you didn't see anything?"

He shook his head.

"Well, I'll have to check you again." She said. "Just to be sure..." It was then, that she finally saw it. On the side of his leg! "There it is!" She said, lurching suddenly for it.

She pulled the tag off, and gave a yell of triumph as it was unenchanted. "There you go." She said. "Now you can get changed."

"Thank you." He said. "Um. Give me some space, will you?" She was still pressed up against him. She blushed, and complied, stepping back outside.

He changed clothes in a flash and was out of the dressing room. "Glad that's over." He said. "Clothes that you can't take off... surprisingly scary." He laughed. "It sounds strange, but that's how it is."

She nodded. He had no idea that she had once been subject to the same curse, once. "Please, this way." She said.

They went to the register, and she took his money. Satisfied, she placed it in the register and gave him one last smile. "Well, that's that." She said. "Thanks for dropping by."

"No problem." He said. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

She bowed him out as she turned back around. Well, that was that. She thought in disappointment. What a let down. If this had been some kind of elaborate story where rampant sex was all too common, the reader would surely be extremely put out. Oh well. She thought, as she busied herself with her tasks around the store. It was still a fun experience for her, regardless...

...

Nabooru was nervous, although she did not want to admit it to anyone. Voicing her concerns about the way he was treating their guests would lead to her own unfortunate death.

"He truly has no intention of taking Zelda as another member of his harem?" Her assistant, Jessica, asked her bluntly. "When she is in such a vulnerable position, and willing to commit to it?"

"No." Nabooru said. "He has another in mind."

"He does, does he..." Jessica sighed, lost in thought. "Oh, what I wouldn't give to be that girl..."

"The King is selective about his partners." Nabooru reminded her. "You know that."

"Yes, but a girl can dream, can't she?" She sighed, running a finger through her hair. "I can't stay a maiden forever, now can I?"

"Kidnap one of the men from Hyrule." Nabooru suggested. "Keep him as your slave."

"That's not what I want in a relationship, Nabooru." She said. "I can't help it... I'm a romantic. If anything, I want to be the slave."

This kind of thinking was very common among the Gerudo. The women hear were completely starved of men, and lavished any chance they could find to spend time with them. Their King being as selective with his partners as he was did not help matters. They craved being dominated, being filled it with the seed of life. Every waking moment. The problem had only gotten worse with the rise of Cia, the woman who stole away all of Hyrule's men and turned them into monsters in her mad quest for, if the reports were true, the same thing the woman here all craved.

"It's too bad about Zelda, though." Jessica said thoughtfully. "She is very kind, I wish there was another way to help her."

"If all goes well, and the King gets what he wants... we will help Hyrule fight the horde." Nabooru told her. "Do not worry about that. We too are victims of Cia, remember that."

"His Majesty will see you now." She stood up, bowing to Jessica, as she stepped past Ganondorf's personal attendant and into his private chambers.

He lounged on his personal sofa, being fed grapes by a scantily clad Gerudo woman, who was desperately trying to win his attention. "Nabooru." He rumbled. "Report."

"Zelda and her best men are all on the way now." She said. "They are ready to hear your... proposal." She could not stop the contempt from emanating from her voice.

"Excellent." He said. He sat up, causing the girl next to him to be knocked off balance and onto her back. He did not even bother to check if she was okay. "It is only a matter of time, now..." He said, laughing to himself. "Yes... the one I desire..."

Nabooru stared at him, disgust on her face as he turned around. "Enter, Feminists." He said.

Two men appeared, as if out of nowhere. Two hoods that obscured their faces. Nabooru had caught sight of them once, and her ordinary craving for a good, hard fucking evaporated almost immediately.

"You called, Ganondorf?" The one on the left asked. He reached past his head and began to lower it. Nabooru flinched out of reflex, but Ganondorf was on her side this time.

"We don't need to see your face, thank you." Ganondorf reminded them. "Both of you do not belong in this world regardless."

"We belong in every world, Ganondorf." The other man said. "As long as there is misogyny, there will be feminists to combat it."

Ganondorf chuckled. "But I see that you don't consider what I do misogyny, do you?"

"Of course not." The man said. "Any man who helps us with our goal is a feminist. No questions asked."

"Of course." Ganondorf said. The girl who had he knocked on her back began to stir. She sat up, rubbing her back, before noticing that she had dropped the grapes. "Oh, no..."

"As long as our goals align, I see no reason why we can't cooperate." Ganondorf rumbled. "Yes... as long as I get what I want..."

"I promise you, Ganondorf." The man said. "You will be very pleased with what we have in store for you."

"The Legend will be forever changed from this point onward." The other said. "One week. One week until the reveal trailer for Zelda U shows how far gaming has come for all of us."

"Excellent." He said, as he folded his hands together. "Yes, soon... I will have what's rightfully mine..."

He began to laugh, and the men next to him began to laugh too, even as he kicked at the girl who dared to pick grapes from under his feet. Only Nabooru remained stony faced as she looked at the poor girl suffering from under his foot.

She hoped to the Goddess that Zelda had any idea of what she was getting into.

…

 _A/N: For those of you who are unaware, this is actual a reposting of a story I had published previously, but then removed due to personal reasons, which is why it's so long and unstructured. New chapters, if there is any interest in any, will be much shorter and more concise._

 _Since this story was originally written before BOTW was released, expect more BOTW content going forward. I thank you for reading._


	2. A Link to Breath of the Wild

"Enter."

Malon quickly slid off of Link's lap as he stood up. "Well, your majesty?" He asked, as he held out his arm.

Zelda rolled her eyes at him as she stepped up next him. "Nice try, Link." She said. "Sheik, you're in charge during our meeting with Ganondorf."

"Of course, Zelda." Sheik answered, her voice muffled behind her veil. "You can count on me.'

"This is it." Zelda said grimly as she turned back to face him. "We're finally going to learn what Ganondorf wants from us."

"It's about time." He said, looking steadfastly at the large door in front of them. The two Gerudo guards were only just now heaving and sweating to get it open. "I've had enough of this city."

"Are the women here too much for little old you?" She teased, as she leaned into him.

"I just don't like the heat." He told her. The door in front of them slid open. "Ah, here we go."

The girls stared at them as they passed, and Zelda could not help but feel a sense of pride to note the intense look of jealously she was getting merely for being with him. She would never admit it aloud, but she loved Link and would do anything to stay near him.

The room they stepped in was a large, empty hall that spread out before them for several feet. At the end of the hall sat a throne and a large organ.

The ominous notes of the king's playing unnerved her, but she did not hesitate as they walked along the carpet to them.

He did not even look up at them as he played. He was quite skilled, she thought. Each note was powerful and made her feel very small.

But she had Link. And since she had him, she had everything.

They stopped when they approached the throne. Link kneeled politely, but Zelda stood standing, staring at him.

He played for several more moments, finishing the piece, and slowly closed the organ.

"Music is one of the few pleasures I'm allowed during my duties." He said quietly. "Forgive me for making you wait."

He stood up. His height was impressive. Zelda had never seen such a gigantic, powerful man in all her life.

"I thank you for allowing us the chance to speak with you." Zelda said. She was annoyed, of course. She and her army had been spinning their wheels for their past several months watching Link fuck the locals senseless, but at least that was behind them now. "I am in dire need of your assistance."

"Is that so?"

His expression was unreadable.

"We desire an alliance with Gerudo against the forces of Cia." Zelda said stiffly. "Her craving for Link's cock has somehow given her powers beyond mortal understanding, and I-"

"Yes, women will often do cruel things to do what they want." Ganondorf said. "I am well aware of this."

Zelda frowned. She was not able to decipher his meaning at all. "How much do you know about Cia?" She asked. "She is currently pillaging the land, telling everyone who will listen about how she's the one destined to hold Link's master sword, and I for one-"

He turned away from her, his cape billowing behind him. Zelda fell silent, pursing her lips as he stepped away from them. Just what was he playing at?

"Cia has amassed dark powers to gather such a large army." Ganondorf noted. "We are both very much aware of this much." He raised his hands wide, his back still turned to them, as he stared upward, towards the vast ceiling. "But what you do not know is where these powers come from?"

Zelda's frown deepened. "She is a witch." She said. "She has studied magic extensively, surely…"

Ganondorf did not answer her. Instead he stood there in front of them, impressive and powerful.

"No." He said. "Her powers were quaint before her master's."

He turned around to face them, clutching his fist towards them. "Me."

Link was on his feet, his weapon drawn, his eyes narrowed. Ganondorf stared him down, a powerful aura emanating from him. Zelda could feel the hairs on the back of her head standing up. It was the same kind of intense, evil aura that followed Cia into battle.

"So it was YOU." Link spat, his teeth bared. "You're the one who-"

"Had Cia do my bidding, yes yes." Ganondorf said coolly, his eyes flickering over Link's sword. "You came to the very man who ruined your kingdom for assistance in liberating it."

Zelda stepped in front of Link, her own weapon drawn, her eyes narrowed angrily.

"You trai-"

"We were never allies, you stupid woman." Ganondorf said calmly. "You simply made a mistake."

He waved his hand, and a storm of armed Gerudo guards stormed into the room. Each was a member of Ganondorf's Elite Guard, and were therefore well armed, trained, and very attractive.

Link stepped closer to her protectively as he raised his shield. "Take another step further, and I'll take out each of you."

Ganondorf opened his mouth to retort, but before he could a wheezing laugh filled the air. Zelda could feel the blood in her veins dry up. Her legs instantly pressed themselves more tightly together.

Three hooded figures stepped into the room after the guard. Although garbed completely from head to foot in dark robes, Zelda could smell the scent of Soy even from this distance. Their mere presence bothered her far more deeply than Ganondorf's betrayal, but she was puzzled as to why.

"Ah." Ganondorf said. "Our esteemed guests."

He raised his hand towards them. "Allow me to introduce you." He said.

"No introductions necessary, Ganondorf." The fat man in the middle wheezed. "We already know who THEY are…."

"But we don't know who you are." Link said. "What are you? People of the Dark World, perhaps?"

The thing on the right chuckled. It had very long hair, but it was in no way feminine. "This World is far darker than our own…"

"Who are you?" Link repeated. "Stop speaking in riddles."

Instead of answering, the three figures bowed their heads. "Tell me, Princess Zelda…" They intoned. "What is today's date?"

"The date?" Zelda repeated, baffled. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"The date." The man on the left repeated, in a thin, weakly sort of voice. "Is June 14th, 2016."

"That date means nothing to you, I am sure…"

Zelda nodded, her mind turning. The year was most certainly not 2016… What calendar were they referring to, exactly?"

"But to us, it is a date most anticipated." The man in the middle said. "We have awaited this day for two years-"

"Two long years."

"Two harsh years."

"The Wii U years."

"Stop speaking in riddles." Link snapped, his body tensing. "Zelda, do you know what they're talking about?"

"No, I do not." She said, eyeing them warily. "They are speaking nonsense-"

"It is not nonsense, Zelda." The man in the middle said smugly, as he raised his hand towards them. "You may not be aware of it yourself, but you are far more important than you realize. You are an icon, a figure, a Legend in my world."

"She's our Princess." Link said slowly, as he inched his way forward. The Gerudo guards raised their weapons threateningly, and he glared at them intensely. "Why wouldn't she be famous?"

"She is more than famous." The man on the right said. "She is practically the face of female figures in video games."

Zelda stared at them. "Video games?" She repeated. "I don't understand-"

"Allow us to introduce ourselves, Zelda." The man in the middle said, as he slowly lowered his hood. "And perhaps this will finally make sense to you."

Zelda recoiled. The man under the hood was the fattest, most disgusting blob of a person she had ever seen in her life. His face was almost completely round and every since of his stomach was layered in a thick coat of fat. He looked three or four times bigger than an ordinary person.

"I am Jim Sterling." The man said smugly. "And I am a feminist."

The figure on the right slowly lowered its hood, and Zelda let out a disgusted sound. There, under the hood, was a blue haired abomination of a man. Although not quite as fat as Jim Sterling, this thing was disgusting in a completely different way. Its hair was an ugly, matted mess of several different shades of blue.

"I am Laura Kate Dale." The thing said. "And I am a woman. And a feminist."

"No you're not-"

Zelda shushed him as the third figured lowered its hood.

"Jon Mcintosh." He said. "And I am a feminist."

Every woman in the room instinctively inched away from the three of them. Link stared at these people apprehensively

"Feminists?" He repeated. "I don't-"

"You would not, would you Link?" Jim Sterling asked him, laughing slightly. "No, no, a character as primitive and uninspired as you would not know what being a feminist entails."

"Mcintosh, perhaps you are the one most able to make them understand why we are here."

"Yes, I think so."

Mcintosh stepped forward, raising his hand high.

"We have come here on behalf of Anita and Feminist Frequency to correct a grave oversight in iconic video games." He said loudly. "Women are more than just objects to be rescued. They are precious, special, strong, powerful, and wise. In the Current Year, where a female President of the United States is preparing to make this country reach new heights, there is no excuse for female characters to not take center stage in gaming culture."

He raised a finger and pointed it at Zelda.

"You, Zelda… allow yourself to be rescued by a man in spite of your skill with magic and archery. A woman like you should never have to rely on a man for anything. And you…" He jabbed his finger at Link. "You enjoy the toxic masculinity in rescuing a woman from danger."

His eyes flitted towards the screen, where the reader is not exactly sure what the fuck is going on.

"And you play video games that endorse this behavior." He said. "You are a terrible person because you like video games, which endorse misogyny and promote violent behavior."

(Disclaimer: This is what Jon Mcintosh actually believes.)

"Gamers are a problem in society." Mcintosh said loudly. "Hashtag Gamergate and the chaos it brought made us all realize that video games had done more damage to society than we could have possibly imagined. And that is why we are here today… June 14th, 2016. To put an end to all of this."

Ganondorf grunted, as if he didn't really care about all of this. Zelda and Link stared at Josh, completely enraptured.

"June 14th…." Zelda repeated. "What is significant about that date?"

"I'll tell her, I'll tell her!" Laura Kate Dale bounced excitedly in front of him.. "I'm a real video game leaker with insider knowledge of the industry! I know everything about everything that's happening right now!"

Josh stepped back and Laura began jabbering.

"Today is the day of truth." He said. "Today is the day that Nintendo… Officially…" He grinned, showing off an ugly set of teeth. "Announces the upcoming Legend of Zelda game, for the Wii U and the Nintendo NX."

"Nintendo…." Zelda repeated. Somehow hearing that name said aloud brought her unexplainable joy, but she could not place it. Just what was Nintendo?

"The Prophet Emily Rogers has foretold, in accurate detail, just what the Next Legend of Zelda title is going to be." Laura Kate Dale said. "And with her help I have managed to come to a rather surprising conclusion… one that has been confirmed by the posters that Nintendo is setting up right now at their Zelda booth."

He raised his hands wide, and bounced about awkwardly in place.

"There will be a female Link!" He proclaimed, his voice excited and happy. "Women everywhere will have the freedom to play as a female character in this beloved franchise!"

Link stepped backward, his eyes narrowed. "A… female… me…?" He repeated, sounding flabbergasted.

"That is correct, Link." Jim Sterling said, his voice unbearably smug. "Soon you will be replaced. Women will not be forced to play as a male character during their journey to rescue Princess Zelda…"

"And the series will be better off for it." Laura Kate Dale finished, his voice reaching an extremely high pitch. "Nintendo knows their audience, you see. We have been demanding a female playable character in a Zelda game for years, and it seems that today is the day it finally happens."

"Today is the day that the Legend of Zelda stops being sexist."

Zelda glowered as she stepped in front of Link, placing a hand on his arm. "I do not know just who you people are or just what you want from us." She said. "But I can tell you that you are no friend of ours."

"Zelda, Zelda, Zelda… there is no reason for you to be kidnapped all the time." McIntosh said smoothly. "In fact, this series is called The Legend of Zelda… you should be the hero. You always should have been the hero. Men like Link are not necessary, and do nothing but steal the glory for your own accomplishments."

"No." Zelda said, her voice firm. "I have my role to play, as do the men and women that follow me. I treasure each and every one of them. They deserve praise and recognition for their accomplishments, no matter their background. I will not turn my back on Link just because you don't like him."

Link's eyes fell on Zelda's resolute face. "Zelda…" He murmured.

"That, sadly to say, is not your decision to make." Jon McIntosh said haughtily. "Already the reliable video game leaker Emily Rogers has confirmed that Link will be replaced in the upcoming Legend of Zelda game. In another few minutes, we shall see…"

He raised the finger and pointed it down at them. "Linkle will be the hero of The Legend of Zelda!"

Link and Zelda both blinked and looked at each other, confused.

"Linkle?" Zelda repeated. "Isn't that…?"

"The girl we picked up a while back?" Link asked. "The farm girl?"

"The one who thought she was going to be the Hero of Hyrule?"

"The Crossbow girl?"

"The one you made orgasm eight times?"

"Wait, you were keeping count?" Link asked incredulously.

"Well, she kept passing out and then coming back for more… I think it was a lot more than that, actually…"

"Disgusting." Jon Mcintosh sniffed. "How dare you take advantage of these women. I would never dare to have sex with my darling Anita without a written contract specifying what I can and can't do with her."

"Before I had my penis removed, I did all sorts of things with it." Laura Kate Dale said. "I once went to a local cinema, bought some popcorn, cut a hole in the bottom of the bag, and then stuck my dick into it."

(Disclaimer: Laura Kate Dale really did do this)

"Guys, it's starting!" Jim Sterling said, barely able to contain his excitement. "Behold! The end of an era of misogny!"

He reached into his cloak and pressed a button. Suddenly, on the bare wall behind them, stood a still image of a screen.

"This is the day that the new Zelda game is released." Jim Sterling proclaimed. "The day that Emily Rogers had predicted… the reveal of gaming's NEW female hero!"

"Hi. This is Reggie from Nintendo…"

A man that none of them had ever seen before began to speak on the screen. The group watched him, openmouthed. Link could not quite explain it, but the man in question looked very familiar….

"The finishing touches are being made before we open it up to thousands of industry insiders in a couple of hours. That space will immerse visitors in the world of a single game. The newest entry in the Legend of Zelda franchise."

Zelda gave a start. She stared at the screen, open mouthed. "The Legend of… Me…?" She whispered. She looked somehow perplexed, yet fascinated.

"Yes, the Legend of Zelda." Jim Sterling proclaimed, as he spread his arms wide. "The most famous name in all of video games… and you, Link, are its hero."

Zelda gave him a look. "Link is the hero?" She repeated. "But it's named after me…."

"That is the problem." Sterling told them, as the screen faded to black. He paid no attention to the screen and the images and music that surrounded them. "Link does not deserve to be the hero of The Legend of Zelda. You do."

Zelda glared at him as the man on the screen spoke one final time.

"This is what awaits."

The scene shifted to gorgeous, vast rolling planes. Zelda took in a deep breath of air.

"Open your eyes." She spoke at the same exact moment as a strange voice coming from the projection.

She did not notice the surprised start from Link as the scene changed to vast rolling fields, gorgeous green landscapes, animals, lakes, mountains…

"Wake up Link…" The voice said. Link started, his eyes darted to the screen in horror. Zelda stepped forward, glaring hatefully at Jim Sterling.

"It does not matter what you believe." She said to him. "Link will always be my champion. And I will fight to keep it so."

Laura Kate Dale let out a cat like hiss as Jim Sterling stared down at her hatefully.

"If that is so, you will not mind when all of us choose to play Female Link in the upcoming video game…" Jim Sterling's eyes flickered upward, to the screen as the words BREATH OF THE WILD flashed across the screen. "The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild."

Laura Kate Dale giggled, twirling her finger in his bright blue hair. "And since making Link female will be such a big deal, it will be by far the most popular choice among fans." He said. "And if that is the case… Nintendo will have no choice but to make Link canonically female going forward."

Jon Mcintosh spread his hands wide. "And then we will one step closer towards equality!"

Link and Zelda looked at each other, and then back at them.

"How is that equality?" Zelda asked shrilly. "Changing someone to make them female… what purpose does that serve?"

"I didn't see any women in that trailer." Link noted. "How do you know that you even can play a Female Me in this game?"

The smug air of superiority evaporated in an instant. There was a very awkward pause.

"W-well… they'll be livestreaming footage of that game all day!" Laura Kate Dale said quickly. "It's a big announcement…. They'll save for it later, I'm sure."

Zelda caught on to Link's logic just as quickly. "I certainly didn't see any sign of that in the trailer…"

"Emily Rogers is reliable!" Laura Kate Dale snapped. Gone was the façade of femininity. Instead a deep, gravelly voice hit their ears. "The best game leaker I know."

"Until Shigeru Miyamoto himself says that there is no Female Link…." Jim Sterling grinned. "We can still enforce our demands on this company."

Before he even began speaking a bright green pipe shot out of the ground. Shigeru Miyamoto's head popped out of it, grinning widely.

"Link has always been a boy, and will always be a boy!"

He threw the Star Fox Zero puppet at Jim Sterling. He screamed in pain as the Puppet contacted his skin.

"NO NOT MANDATORY MOTION CONTROLS."

Miyamoto laughed, giving a thumbs up to Zelda fans eveyrwhere as he dove back into the pipe, it descending back into the ground behind him. Jim Sterling threw the puppet to the ground, scowling, as he stomped on it with his foot.

"I never liked Nintendo anyway!" He spat, spit flying out of his mouth. "I suppose it is time we take our interests elsewhere…"

"That Horizon Zero Dawn game is much more progressive…"

"Yes…" Jim Sterling's eyes glinted. "It is…" He turned around to face Link and Zelda again, his hands spread wide. "Old Japanese Men who know nothing about video games may have thwarted us this time." He said. "But with the power of female video game characters everywhere, it is only a matter of time until you too become a woman, Link."

"I don't think so." Link grunted, as he drew his sword. Jim Sterling stared down at him with a wary eye. "What could you hope to do to me?" He asked coldly. "I exist on a higher plane of existence than you. I have hundreds of thousands of followers online. I am better than you."

"I'm going to prove you wrong." Link told him, his expression dark. "I'm going to star in a game that's so great, so groundbreaking, and so fun to play that even you cannot deny how spectacular it is. Even if you do desperately try."

Ganondorf was watching this with a weary eye.

"I just wanted to fuck Link." He proclaimed, out of nowhere. "Fuck this."

He waved his hand and a dark portal formed, sending the feminists into another dimension.

"No, they're getting away!" Link shouted, as he braved himself. Both Zelda and Ganondorf pleaded for him to stop as he leapt into the portal.

He awoke on a vast, green field. He could feel the Breath of the Wild on his skin.

…

A/N

So, uh, yeah. I finally finished this chapter… two and a half years after I intended to upload it. This is definitely one of those things that need backstory, I think.

So at the time of Hyrule Harem's original publication, people were pushing these really obviously fake Female Link rumors for the then unannounced BOTW. People were hyping up the announcement for E3. The IDEA was that I would upload this chapter immediately after the deconfirmation and mock everyone who ever supported the idea, but that… uh, never happened.

I already had the chapter half written and was unwilling to get rid of it, since I had already set all of this up. So I tried to clean it up as best as I can and do my best to set up the BOTW arc of the story, and all of the following arcs. I specifically want to introduce BOTW characters before going back to doing weird shit with obscure ones. Also you can imagine what I want to do with Gerudo Town.

Jim Sterling and friends will continue to be villains, of course… We can't let that 7.0 out of 10 that BOTW got go unpunished, now can we? Anyway I'm pretty happy with the zany plot I've come up with going forward, I hope you can forgive the lack of sex right now. That WILL be coming next chapter. Thank you.


	3. Chapter 3

Hyrule Castle loomed ominously over the entire land of Hyrule. In every direction from it for several miles there was no sign of civilization: only destruction from the guardians. People all throughout the World of Breath of the Wild were completely unaware of the new, particularly impotent threat that had just moved into the Castle.

"Uggggh…"

Jim Sterling slammed his several thousand dollar gaming PC onto Zelda's desk, sending journals and papers clattering to the door. The room had almost been completely cleared of the Breath of the Wild's Princess belongings and replaced with Jim's own. A large row of foot long dildos lined the wall, within hand's reach from his bed, where he regularly sat and masturbated as he argued with gamers online about social justice.

"What a boring open world." Jim said to himself, chuckling, as he booted up his computer. "It would be a shame if… someone were to let everyone know that."

 _Truly, I wish I could say I understood what all the critics were raving about in their onslaught of 10/10 reviews, but I don't. I see too many things getting in the way of the brilliance, too much repetitive busywork and full-on dick moves for me to say this is even close to my favorite_ _Zelda_ _game, much less in the top five._

 _Close, but no Triforce._

Jim smiled to himself as his eyes roamed over his unopened copy of Breath of the Wild and onto another unopened game in a blue box.

"Soon, my sweet…." He purred, as he reached forward and stroked soon. "Soon people will know the name Aloy…"

The computer on his desk began to beep. Jim turned back to it and pressed a button. The face of the head of Playstation. If you don't know or care about who that is, don't worry. No one else does either.

"Oh…"

Jim pushed himself back and kneeled at the ground. He bent his head awkwardly.

"What is thy bidding, Master?"

"Mr. Sterling." The voice boomed out from the speakers. "I trust that your people are doing everything they can."

Jim nodded.

"Good." The man said slowly. "The Nintendo NX cannot be allowed to become successful. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild must fail."

"My female friend Laura Kate Dale has been promoting every fake Nintendo leak in existence." Jim said. "We have promised the Nintendo fanboys the moon and beyond. When they do not get what they are expecting, they will once again riot… and Nintendo will continue to decay."

"Nintendo cannot be allowed to continue making consoles." The talking head boomed. "They must fail. By any means necessary."

Jim Sterling bowed his head.

"It will be done, my Master…"

…

"WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO?"

Zelda was panicking. She had not gone so long without Link since she had met him, and was finding herself in a bit of a crisis. Having no one to fondle during important military meetings and no one to satisfy her urges, Zelda found herself staying up entire nights, trying to calm down her increasingly jittery nerves with fresh brewed tea and particularly raunchy romance novels.

However, despite her increasingly poor mood, the war was escalating. The Gerudo had betrayed them and run them out into the desert. Ganondorf had, she had realized, wanted Link for himself and had only entertained her to try to get at him. Now she and her Warriors were staving off Gerudo Raiders in between bouts with Cia.

"FUCK."

Impa bent her head hopelessly as Lana's eyes perked up. Despite her personal feelings towards Link's departure, she took great pleasure in hearing that bitch Zelda suffer.

Morale was at an all time low: None of the women of the Army could bring themselves to really defend themselves against the endless onslaught. Things were looking grim, and the loss of Link was taking its toll.

"FUCK." Malon moaned, as she flopped on top of her cow. "I want Link so badly right now…"

"I know!" Midna exclaimed, outraged. "Where the fuck is he?"

Impa turned back to Zelda, her eyes narrowed. In spite of her own primal longings, she knew that this could continue no longer. "Princess, if you do not pull yourself together soon, you and everyone else will die."

"Better dead than going on without Link." Zelda said darkly, she she raised a bottle of Chateau Romani to her lips. Impa glowered at her.

"Princess-"

"Zeeeeelda-"

Impa stiffened as a familiar green figure pushed into the tent. Young Linkle blinked owlishly as she stared at the increasingly drunk Zelda.

"Wow, you look terrible." She commented. "Has anyone seen Link? I want to see his sword."

Zelda looked up at her with red eyes. "His Sword?" She repeated, swaying a little. "You mean his-"

Impa intervened before things escalated. "Now is not a good time, Linkle." She said smoothly, as she wrapped her arm around her. "Link isn't here right now, and Zelda misses him, so-"

"Link's gone?" Linkle repeated, her mouth falling open. "What-"

Impa led her out of the tent, shaking her head. "Try not to panic." She said, already having a vague feeling that this was going to end very, very badly. "He'll be back soon, until then you will be provided with smutty romance novels and homoerotic fanfiction written by teenage girls-"

"But where is Link?" Linkle asked, bemused, as they came to a stop beside a girl crying into a discarded, bright green hat. "I don't-"

"We're not sure." Impa told her quickly. "But he will return soon. I'm sure we will see him soon enough…"

The words had barely even left her mouth before she was struck with an idea.

"Fuck off bitch, he's mine!"

The hat girl cried out in pain and fear as Impa viciously lashed out with a kick, sending her sprawling. She scrambled back, desperately trying to claw for the hat, before Impa reached down for her.

Impa hissed at her, like a cat. The girl hissed back, and then turned tail and left.

"What-"

Impa quickly reached down and picked up the hat and held it before Linkle.

"Until Link's return we will need a new hero to stand by Zelda's side." Impa said quickly, in a rush. "Legends speak of a hero garbed in green… they never specified gender, so…. I suppose you will do. For now."

She reached down and tugged the hat onto Linkle's head.

"H-hey…" Linkle complained. "You're saying that I'm the…. Hero?"

"Yes, yes." Impa said quickly. "You are the legendary hero of Hyrule. Your princess needs you, Linkle. Now go!"

"Okay." Linkle said, extremely pleased as she adjusted the hat and walked off. So it had finally happened. She had finally been accepted as the Hero her Grandmother had always told her she could be! Her heart was soaring as she made her way back to Zelda.

She barely registered the longing, predatory glances that were shot her way as she walked through the camp. Completely oblivious, she stepped back into Zelda's tent and saluted.

"Linkle, Hero of Hyrule reporting for duty!"

…

 _Link…_

 _Open your eyes…_

No thanks. Link thought to himself as he sat back, enjoying the warm feeling of the grass and sun on his skin. Everything was so nice and peaceful here…

 _Link…_

 _Open your eyes…_

Who was bothering him? Zelda usually scared off anyone that came near him while he was exhausted. And if he was in danger his instincts would have kicked in.

 _I am Zelda, you stupid idiot!_

Link's eyes fluttered open to face the bright blue sky.

"No you aren't." He said, blinking owlishly.

There was a very awkward pause.

 _Who the fuck are you?_

"I could ask you the same question."

 _Hang on, let me project my image…_

Suddenly a burst of light surrounded his vision, and suddenly he was looking down on the image of a young, blonde haired girl staring down at him.

"You're not Link!"

"You're not Zelda!"

There was a very awkward pause.

"This can't be right." Not Zelda murmured to herself, as she turned around to face the horizon. "My calculations indicated that I would only be able to communicate with Link following the Calamity…"

"I am Link." Link told her plainly, but firmly. "Who are you?"

"I'm Zelda, the Princess of Hyrule."

"No you aren't." Link told her. "That white, pasty skin…that baby face… your slumping, nerdy posture… you look like Zelda."

"Why I never-"

"And you're pretty fat too." Link went on, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "And kind of annoying…"

"I am not annoying!" Not Zelda reprimanded him. "And I am very much the Princess of this great land!"

Link looked around the field, his eyes narrowed. "This isn't Hyrule." He commented. It looked far too…. Open.

"Yes it is!" The girl insisted, as she pressed himself closer to him. Link pulled away- he could sense a strong sense of revulsion towards her that he did not normally feel towards young women. "This is… or was… the land of Hyrule."

"Was?"

Zelda nodded, bobbing her head. "The Calamity has claimed this entire land." She said, her voice gloomy. "I, being the Princess, have been locked in with this century long struggle holding back the Calamity from the rest of the world while my Hero, Link, is resurrected."

Link scratched his cheek, thinking deeply. "Hero Link….?" He repeated. "I'm a Hero named Link…"

Zelda stared at him. "You do somewhat resemble him." She admitted. "But you are not quite the same." She looked him up and down, and flushed. "Um, you seem quite a bit… cooler."

Her expression hardened. "Who are you?" She demanded. "Tell me your name." She paused. "Not that I care, or anything."

Oh Gods… she was one of THEM.

"I'm Link." He told her, calmly. "I was fighting a man named Jim Sterling who seems to have brought me here."

"Jim Sterling?"

Zelda wrinkled her nose in disgust. The mere mention of Jim Sterling's name seemed to bother people who had never even heard of him. Link nodded.

"Yeah, he's a feminist-"

"What's that?"

"They're people who think everyone should be like the Gerudo and shun men while not being able to figure out why they can't maintain a functional society or relationship."

"So he's really stupid then." Zelda murmured. "And he sounds dangerous…" She flickered for a moment, her eyes narrowed. "I will search the land for him."

There was a very brief moment of silence.

"THE FAT FUCK MOVED INTO MY ROOM!" She screeched, outraged. Link fell backward, alarmed. "He better not have read my diary…!"

She glared down at Link, her gaze hardened.

"The man is disgracing my beloved Castle was we speak." She sniffed. "Link, Hero of Hyrule, I have a mission of the utmost importance for you. I want you go down there and kick his ass out."

Link got to his feet. "You didn't have to tell me twice." He drawled. "I would have done that anyway-"

"And don't you dare read my diary!" Zelda screeched at him, as she floated after him as he walked away. "I-"

Zelda paused, disappearing entirely. She found herself back to the place where she was restraining the Calamity.

It had become particularly unruly during her absence, and was trying in vain to break free.

"AFTER TEN THOUSAND YEARS I'M FREE. It is TIME TO CONQUER HYRULE-"

Zelda rolled her eyes as she gave the beast another bolt of light, which sent it cowing backward. She was still fuming… the image of Jim Sterling fucking around HER room was still engraved into her very skull.

…

"The Nintendo NX is shaping up to be a disappointment."

Jim Sterling sat, particularly smugly, on his throne. He was sitting among a circle of notable game journalists, each of which was sitting upon a throne of their own. The Ivory Tower of IGN loomed above the clouds themselves- Independent journalists such as Sterling and his other cohorts often rallied here in order to discuss their future endeavors.

"The Playstation 4 has proven itself to be the most successful gaming console of all time." Colin Moriarty was saying. "Until the next Playstation comes out, anyway."

He chuckled. The others soon followed suit.

"The Nintendo NX cannot possibly compete." Colin Moriarty continued. "Nintendo and its franchises are old, worn out, and tired. They cannot compete with the masterpieces that are produced by Playstation and all of its partners."

"It will be nothing more than another underpowered home console. It will sell less units than the Wii U, and… hopefully… lead Nintendo to bankruptcy." Michael Pachter chuckled.

Jim Sterling nodded, biting his lip. He could not wait to go home and masturbate to the thought of Nintendo being doomed. And going by the looks of the other soyboys surrounding the table, he was not the only one.

Nintendo had long been the primary obstacle when it came to game journalists being taken seriously by writers in other fields. Gaming was still seen by the homophobic masses as being primarily for children. Most did not appreciate the nuances and depth of projects like Gone Home, Undertale, or The Last of Us.

"The Wii U was a massive failure." Pachter was saying. "And the 3DS is not far behind. Cell phones have destroyed the handheld market. It will not longer be able to support Nintendo's failing console business."

He smirked.

"The only thing that could possibly save them now is the release of the next Zelda game."

The group broke out into laughter. Zelda had been a joke for years. Ever since Majora's Mask came out and failed to recapture the Ocarina audience, the series had faced a clear decline in popularity. Only a scant few manchildren who had never played any other games in their entire lives still cared about the series.

"Once Zelda fails to sell NX, Nintendo WILL go third party."

The cheers were deafening.

It was up to these brave few to kill Nintendo for good.

"Sterling."

Sterling looked up.

"It will be up to you and your people to control the narrative regarding the NX. Zelda seems to be the only game that is launching on the console for that first year. It should be a simple matter for you to destroy this new platform… no matter what it is."

Jim Sterling smirked.

"My people have been working night and day." He claimed. "Everything about the console will be leaked to the public before Nintendo can make an official announcement. No matter how they spin their new gimmick, the Nintendo NX will be a failure before it even is announced."

"Nintendo's consoles have lost all of their credibility at this point." Colin interrupted. "The only thing left is to destroy the last few relevant Nintendo IPs."

"Mario, The Legend of Zelda… Pokemon." Jim said, nodding. "Well, just Mario and Pokemon at this point. I think the gaming community has realized that titles like Dark Souls, Skyrim, Dragon's Dogma, and especially the Witcher 3 are far better games than any Zelda game that has ever been released."

He shuddered as his mind drifted to his beloved Bloodborne, his all time favorite video game. He imagined himself at home, caressing the case of the game as he stared at its Metacritic score of 92.

"Not only that…" Colin said, as he reached under the table. "There is a similar open world game that will blow Breath of the Wild out of the water.

He set the game on the counter and Jim Sterling could feel his heart start to race.

"You could say." Colin smirked, as his hand traced over the PS4 game case. "That the death of Nintendo is on the Horizon."

…

Link signed as he turned around, staring across the vast expanse of fields in front of him.

"Where the hell do I go?"

He was completely lost. This Hyrule was far bigger and more expansive than his own. Gorgeous green hills surrounded destroyed architecture in every direction. There was no one to ask for directions, no one to ask for help. He could not simply approach someone, press A and be told what to do.

It was strangely liberating. Link thought to himself as he walked through the fields, taking in his surroundings. He had been doing nothing but fighting and sleeping around for so long, he had almost forgotten how much he loved his land of Hyrule. This Zelda may have been a spaz, but the land itself seemed very nice. He wondered what the current situation here was. It certainly seemed a lot more peaceful than his Hyrule…

" _Uh, Link 2.0?"_

He groaned. It was the Tsundere Zelda again.

"Yeah?"

" _I, uh, really have my hands tied here. My Hero is still asleep and I can't really guide you."_

"Okay."

" _I, uh, certainly COULD help you though."_ Zelda said quicky. _"If you could come rescue me, that is."_

She sounded almost suggestive. Link almost rolled her eyes. Kids.

" _But Link 2.0, I need to tell you something. You're not the only one that Jim Sterling has brought here."_

"Not the only one?" Link repeated, wrinkling his nose. "What do-"

"Greetings, Zelda!"

Link looked up, surprised, at the figure standing on the rocks behind him, before anxiously looking around her to the area around them.

"Zelda?" He repeated blankly. "Where?" 

"I'm talking to you, Zelda!" The woman barked, as she raised her bow. "I have come to destroy you, to prove that women are superior to men!"

" _Say what now?"_ Zelda's voice was more confused than Link had ever heard.

"You see Zelda." The figure said, as she slowly slid down the rocks towards them. "My name is Aloy. I am the newest star in the Playstation line-up, and I have come to put you in your place."

She nocked the arrow to the bow and stared him down hungrily. Link stared back, almost completely nonplussed.

"You see Zelda." Aloy said. "You cannot match the processing power of the Playstation 4 Pro. You cannot match the visual fidelity that Guerilla Games has put into my Playstation Exclusive release. You are not realistic, and therefore not even worth talking about among gaming audiences."

" _What is she even talking about?"_

"I will defeat you." Aloy promised, as she pointed the bow straight at him. "And show everyone that there is a place for female protagonists in video games!"

Link turned and walked past her. She stared at him incredously before skittering down the mountain after him.

"Turn back and fight you coward!"

"Which way to the Castle?" Link asked blankly, as he stared across at the Horizon. Behind him Aloy swung the handle of her bow at the back of his head. He stepped forward, causing it to come whizzing harmlessly past the back of her head.

"For Playstation!"

She leapt at him, teeth bared, and stumbled, pressing her hand against his back for balance. Link turned and offered her his hand. She punched it and stood up straight.

"Fight me like a man, Zelda-"

He pushed her away with his hand and she went stumbling backward with a cry.

"Hey, how dare you hit a woman!" She cried out, as she leapt to her feet.

Link turned to face her blankly. "I'm sorry, didn't you want to fight?"

"I want to BEAT you." Aloy stressed. "Just stand still and let me peg you with arrows."

She raised her bow and drew the string again, pointing it right at Link's face. Link stared at the tip of the arrow an inch away from his face. Aloy smiled as she released the bow string. The string twanged with force- and the arrow shot right past Link's face into the country behind him.

"Are you done?"

"I have more arrows." Aloy snapped, as she fumbled around with her bag. "I'm a strong female protagonist in video games, I know what I'm doing."

"Clearly." Link said dryly, as he turned back around. "Do you know where Jim Sterling is?"

Aloy chuckled. "Master is sitting in his castle, watching cuckold porn." She said. "Of course I know where he is."

" _In MY ROOM!"_ Zelda screamed at him from inside his head.

"Alright, point me in the right direction."

"Never!"

She got into a fighting stance. "You die here, child!"

"I don't think so." Link said casually,

She clutched her hand into a fist as he walked away. "Get back here you- you- you-"

She cried out in rage as she flopped down on her back, completely worn out.

"He's powerful." She murmured to herself angrily, as she checked her weapons. "I will need to level up if I wish to defeat him…"

She pulled out a Playstation Vita and logged onto the Playstation Store. She scrolled through the page, looking for DLC that would give her free experience points as Link walked away from her, not even considering her a threat.

…

"Aloy needs more power." Colin boomed. "What can we do?"

"Why don't we call her the best female protagonist in video games this year?" Jim suggested. "I'm sure that will work to keep her relevant.

"Hm." Colin said. "Come to think of it, I think Aloy might be the best female video game protagonist in history."

…

"Raaaaaaah!"

Aloy gave a jolt in shock and awe as the face of Anita Sarkeesian appeared in her mind's eye. She couldn't just give up here! She was a female video game protagonist! If she lost to a dirty male, that would discredit her entire sex!

"I must defeat men raaaaaaaah!"

She thrust her arms outward.

"I am the greatest female video game character in history!" She cried out. "No man can challenge me!"

"No Man you say?"

Aloy turned around to come face to face with Samus Aran.

"Who are-"

Samus raised the Arm Cannon and smashed it against Aloy's face. She went sprawling into the ground as Samus stepped over her, and removed her helmet.

Aloy gasped in shock and aww as the beautiful Samus Aran stared down at her dispassionately.

"There can be only one!"

Aloy screamed.

…

"The PS4 is the best selling video game console of all time." Colin Moriarty was saying smugly into a microphone. "There is nothing that this Nintendo NX could do to possibly compete with it."

"Uh, Colin?"

"What?"

"Uh, The Nintendo NX has a name now… it's the Nintendo Switch."

"Ha ha ha." Colin said. "The Nintendo Switch? Like, Switch that shit off?" He chuckled at his own joke.

"Its already outsold the Playstation Vita."

He immediately stopped laughing.

"What?"

He stood up and slammed his hands on the table. "But the Switch has no games!" He barked. "Completely unlike the Playstation Vita!"

"It has also outpaced the PS4 sales along the same stretch of time, and is well on its way to way to outselling the PS4 as a whole."

Colin felt his heart seize up.

"No…" He whispered, unable to believe his words. "That's not true… that's IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

…

A/N

This chapter took way too long to put out, and is super super outdated as a result. Does anyone even remember Horizon? Back when I was planning this chapter, people were all up in arms about how Horizon was ''''superior''' to Zelda in every conceivable way. It was a joke. Almost as bad was the talk among game journalists trying to downplay the success of the Switch. Colin Moriarty will STILL do so on twitter. Loser.

Be sure to review.


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